Sunday, July 4, 2010

Month 5 - time to train - time to reflect

Hello Triabetes blog readers. I know, I've been MIA. It's been a tough 5 months since losing our Jesse. There are days it feels he is still going to come through the door but in some ways it feels he has been gone so very long.

I won't go into every aspect of my life about that, here. There is plenty written elsewhere and I've been documenting it all in my a book I hope to publish about grieving. Its been a bumpy road with immense sadness and other flickers of slight joy and smiles.

Today is a new day of sorts. While everyone pretty much knows I'm doing the JDRF ride in Death Valley this October in Jesse's honor, most also know I haven't done much as it relates to training for something - anything. I've watched some good friends as they continue their racing - such as the Wimmers who ran the Madison Marathon in Jesse's honor sporting a tshirt with his image and the words "Godspeed Jesse", or Darren Fortney, who wears a guitar pick of Jesse's around his neck and taken it through Marathons, Ultra-swims and cross-country ski racing. Darren feels Jesse guiding.

My friend Theresa Hineline emailed me about a 1/2 marathon she wants to do in about the most northern portion of Wisconsin - Ashland, Wisconsin, to be exact. The race is called the Whistlestop. Now, I've never done a 1/2 marathon (I don't count Ironman, that's just a whole other animal). So I said what the hell and signed up.

Where the hell am I going with the story? I'm sorry! It's been forever since I talked to you.

Anyway, today I laced up my shoes in my 20 lb heavier body and did my first day of training - an easy 2.5 miles. What makes my training meaningful to me?

I am wearing a bracelet that says "In Memory of Trent Nicholson", a young man who would have turned 15 on 6/22 but instead joined Jesse just weeks after him in what I now consider (and hope) to be the more meaningful part of our beings. I have become close with Trent's family and will be riding with his parents, Bob and Jen, in Death Valley. I wore my cure diabetes bracelet that I once created on an airplane coming back from my first century ride in Death Valley, that has always symbolized what I do for Jesse. I wore my 3/3 hat - the date of his diagnosis, 3/3/2000. And I wore of course my Triabetes t-shirt, a documentary that came to my brain for that same light - Jesse.

Now, a few weeks ago I flew to NYC to film a new segment on Dlife to talk about Jesse. On that trip I lost my ipod somewhere between the banter in the Chicago airport bar, and my nightstand. Today I picked up Jesse's ipod. I ran listening to HIS music and what inspired him. I plan to leave it "as is" for my training for this race.

The beauty of what I hear is not the lyrics. In fact years ago someone would tease me a lot about how I listened to the music and not lyrics. I changed that and begin to dig more and more into lyrics. But today when these lyrics came on, as tears started to run down my face at the lyrics, I switched back to the sound of the music, specifically the guitar and found myself laughing, smiling and knowing that Jesse dug this tune not for the lyrics, but for the guitar he played and learned. But if you are a lyric person, please listen close and read the last line of the song. It is the pair of shoes I stand in for this moment at least.

I share with you the beginning of my journey. Moving forward, one day at a time.

You inspire me every day, Jesse Thomas Alswager. Stay cool.
MOM

"Lonely Day"

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you

Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Life

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

5 comments:

J-Wim said...

Glad you're back Michelle. Moving forward is a pace.

gmum said...

July 31st was a good day, Michelle. Those that came to the Capital Brewery today were all so nice and the volunteers so welcoming. Children danced and played while the adults relaxed and chatted. We all enjoyed the festival which brought us together around a common interest. You should be very proud. On the way home I listened to some Mark Croft (I have his CDs) and thought how lucky we are - the moms. Now, train, train, train, lady. You got a haul ahead of you...
Jayne Mullins, Madison
('Gmum' is what my two wee grandsons call me)

Steve Ahn said...

Yep...Yep. Maybe I should dust off the shoes as well. Thanks.

Steve Ahn said...

Yep...Yep. Maybe I should dust off the shoes as well. Thanks.

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