Month 5 - time to train - time to reflect

Hello Triabetes blog readers. I know, I've been MIA. It's been a tough 5 months since losing our Jesse. There are days it feels he is still going to come through the door but in some ways it feels he has been gone so very long.

I won't go into every aspect of my life about that, here. There is plenty written elsewhere and I've been documenting it all in my a book I hope to publish about grieving. Its been a bumpy road with immense sadness and other flickers of slight joy and smiles.

Today is a new day of sorts. While everyone pretty much knows I'm doing the JDRF ride in Death Valley this October in Jesse's honor, most also know I haven't done much as it relates to training for something - anything. I've watched some good friends as they continue their racing - such as the Wimmers who ran the Madison Marathon in Jesse's honor sporting a tshirt with his image and the words "Godspeed Jesse", or Darren Fortney, who wears a guitar pick of Jesse's around his neck and taken it through Marathons, Ultra-swims and cross-country ski racing. Darren feels Jesse guiding.

My friend Theresa Hineline emailed me about a 1/2 marathon she wants to do in about the most northern portion of Wisconsin - Ashland, Wisconsin, to be exact. The race is called the Whistlestop. Now, I've never done a 1/2 marathon (I don't count Ironman, that's just a whole other animal). So I said what the hell and signed up.

Where the hell am I going with the story? I'm sorry! It's been forever since I talked to you.

Anyway, today I laced up my shoes in my 20 lb heavier body and did my first day of training - an easy 2.5 miles. What makes my training meaningful to me?

I am wearing a bracelet that says "In Memory of Trent Nicholson", a young man who would have turned 15 on 6/22 but instead joined Jesse just weeks after him in what I now consider (and hope) to be the more meaningful part of our beings. I have become close with Trent's family and will be riding with his parents, Bob and Jen, in Death Valley. I wore my cure diabetes bracelet that I once created on an airplane coming back from my first century ride in Death Valley, that has always symbolized what I do for Jesse. I wore my 3/3 hat - the date of his diagnosis, 3/3/2000. And I wore of course my Triabetes t-shirt, a documentary that came to my brain for that same light - Jesse.

Now, a few weeks ago I flew to NYC to film a new segment on Dlife to talk about Jesse. On that trip I lost my ipod somewhere between the banter in the Chicago airport bar, and my nightstand. Today I picked up Jesse's ipod. I ran listening to HIS music and what inspired him. I plan to leave it "as is" for my training for this race.

The beauty of what I hear is not the lyrics. In fact years ago someone would tease me a lot about how I listened to the music and not lyrics. I changed that and begin to dig more and more into lyrics. But today when these lyrics came on, as tears started to run down my face at the lyrics, I switched back to the sound of the music, specifically the guitar and found myself laughing, smiling and knowing that Jesse dug this tune not for the lyrics, but for the guitar he played and learned. But if you are a lyric person, please listen close and read the last line of the song. It is the pair of shoes I stand in for this moment at least.

I share with you the beginning of my journey. Moving forward, one day at a time.

You inspire me every day, Jesse Thomas Alswager. Stay cool.
MOM

"Lonely Day"

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you

Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Life

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

Jesse - a slideshow by his sister, Sam

I wanted to share this video with you all. Sam put this together for the funeral. When we hear this music, we know he's with us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8yNxqWoasg&feature=channel

10 years - almost... 3/3 has arrived

IN HONOR OF JESSE PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO AND SPREAD TO YOUR FRIENDS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPDS2V1AF9w&feature=channel


Tonight as I write I am sad. A month ago tonight, might life was "right". Great job, great people, loving family. I had just had dinner with Jesse and had just snuggled in to watch Kindergarten Cop. We sent Joey off to bed and finished the movie. I shewed him off to bed because he had school in the morning.

The next day he was gone.

I'm not alone in missing him. Countless others. Nothing more heartbreaking than watching 13 years old miss their friend. Sisters and a brother...a dad...its horrible.

3/3 is tomorrow. Diagnosis dates are an anniversary we all remember. I will be wearing my 3/3 hat tomorrow in remembrance of Jesse's sad anniversary. I will be going out to eat with his close friends, his dad, my kids, and of course Charles and our friends. Together. Funny how something like this makes you forget all the other things.

Samantha, his sister, and her friend Karly filmed this video just weeks before he died for a school project. What you don't see off camera is how he fought with us and didn't want to film it - he was SO tired of talking about his diabetes.

This is how I will forever remember my Jesse. We love you little man. Your heart is big, your smile bigger. Love, Mom

A note from Jesse

So I haven't had the best day. I would call it a "beating myself up" day. I finally go to the mailbox to find a letter from his teacher. Her note says:

Hi, Michelle. Here's Jesse's writing assessment - so sweet!"

It goes on to tell me that his items await me at school that they cleaned out his locker and that they have created a display case set up as a memorial to Jesse and that kids stop by it every day to pay respects.

I open up his assessment and know full well that Jesse sent it to me in his own little handwriting. It goes like this:

My mom is a very courageous person. She does many things to show how courageous she is. She always does brave things to make my life easier, even if they are difficult.

My mom's name is Michelle Alswager. She always does things to help me. One of the biggest things is she applied for a job at JDRF, a place where they raise money for research about diabetes. She got the job and helped a lot in the community.

My mom is also courageous for her athleticism. In 2006, she began intense training to bike one-hundred and five miles in Death Valley, California. She would bike sixty-five miles every week about three times. She went to Death Valley and completed the one-hundred and five miles in the desert. She enjoyed it so much that she did it four more times!

Then she wanted a harder challenge. SHe decided to attempt Ironman, Madison, WI, a triathlon. Except she couldn't swim and she didn't run. But that did not stop her. She began swimming lessons and started running. She finished Ironman on time. I was so proud!

She is currently working on a making a documentary. It is about people with diabetes doing Ironman. She is working so hard on it. It is almost done. The documentary has taken about two years of filming and will play around the world in film festivals when it is done.

This year my mom got a new job at Brava Magazine. She wanted the job so much! Unfortunately, Brava closed down but my mom gathered her co-workers and planned a way to save the business. They found a new owner and saved Brava. Those are some reasons why my mom is a very courageous person!
____________

It was like getting the biggest hug on the planet....

For those of you who never met Jesse

Jesse did a lot of advocacy in his 13 years. Please enjoy these short commercials he filmed with his good friend, Aaron Liebe (also diagnosed at age 3) over the years to support a fundraiser called "thunder run". If you can get through the commercials, please enjoy the beginning of the outtakes. I smile EVERY time because listening to him talk about bugs, and his shirt that is too big, and Aaron screwing up his lines...THAT was Jesse.

Life Sentence - Jesse Alswager passes away at age 13

I don't have words. But I know I have to give you some. It has now been 10 days since Jesse died unexpectedly to complications of his type 1 diabetes. Tonight my family - now only 4 - went to dinner to try to feel some sense of normalcy...

Those first few days I kept saying to everyone in a fog, "How can I go on telling people its not a death sentence? I've lied to them..."

Joe Brady, a good friend and a Triabetes athlete showed up the next day with a poem he claims was written with divine intervention. Framed, it sits next to me, I write it below:

Life Sentence

Did I say these words to a hundred,
a thousand parents?

"My name is Michelle Alswager
and my son, like your child, has type 1 diabetes
but don't worry,
it's not a death sentence."

My son Jesse, so little, diagnosed at age three
and so early gone at thirteen
I ask myself, what will I tell the parents now?
With eyes closed, I see my son..and know the answer:

Refuse with me to feel sorry for him
For he lived his diagnosis as a life sentence
with no time limit guarantee.

A life sentence to celebrate his days
touching others with his smile and patient ways
chilling with his school friends and neighbors
advocating with Governor, Congress, and doctors to find the cure.

Hanging with Dad at neighborhood parties
loving music, playing his sweet-sounding life melody
carving sharp, crisp lines with Sean on snowy slopes
laughing with brother and sisters at mom's corny jokes.

For him, beating the disease was to never
compromise, yield, submit or succumb
to an affliction whose victories
are counted with each lost possibility and
"can't do 'cause I've got type 1."

Never did he say "pity me" or "it's not fair"
Instead we heard "what's next?" and "let's go" and "cool!"
as he lived his life sentence.

So Please hear me, dear parent with newly diagnosed type 1,
not once did my son yield, submit or succumb
his life was rich, vibrant, a celebration...
Jesse didn't lose - he won.

~Joe Brady

Godspeed Jesse. We keep fighting for you and mom misses you and wishes you were here.

The Science of Inspiration: Diabetes and Athletes

So the question I hear the most right now: "WHEN can I see the Triabetes documentary???!!!"

So the Triabetes project has official been named in the documentary as: "The Science of Inspiration: Diabetes and Athletes". I trust Nella's genius on this - she's the one with the emmy awards, not I!

We are now entering the documentary into film festivals. While doing so, most of them request that we not show the documentary to the public until its gone through the festival process.

Hang tight. It's coming! But we'd like the doc to get the credit it deserves, mama would like a new trophy on her shelf and I don't mean bowling.